To do for 2011:
-Make a stop motion movie in the TA space.
-Stay organized all year long.
-Only procrastinate a little bit.
-Eat better and exercise more.
-Read for pleasure.
-Conquer migraines.
-Keep a budget.
-Accept change as it comes.
-Be a better more loving person.
You know, not a daunting task at all…ha.
My new favorite song and a benediction to each of you:
Hallelujah.
May the Lord bless you and keep you. May He shine a light upon your face. May you feel the heat of His glory in your bones, may you know His kindness and His grace.
May His love define your ways of living. May you see His face among your friends. May you live your story empowered by His love, may you be comfortable walking in your skin.
Hallelujah.
May you find your worth from your Maker and live in freedom all your days. May you grow in the sense of who you really are, may His light show you the way.
May you know that you have the power to add beauty and grace into this world. May you discover all your gifts and give them generously, may you listen for God’s every word.
Hallelujah.
We all make choices.
To see the glass as half empty or half full.
Optimists or Pessimists.
I see people who mean well choosing one of two options: to be for good or against bad.
(Now obviously, I do not endorse being against good or for bad.)
Here’s the problem I see: to merely be against bad, you don’t make any progress toward good. At best, you may have less bad, but no more good.
However, in being for good, you make active progress toward making the world a better place.
It’s a choice: to focus on the positive, or focus on the negative.
(Also, if you know me, I am all about wholeness and balance. I do think that we need to be against bad as well, but I think we end up giving it more time than we give to create and nourish good).
“the only thing necessary for evil to triumph in the world is for good men to do nothing”
-John F. Kennedy paraphrasing Edmund Burke.
——
I’m trying to make healthy choice in my life. One of them dawned on me when listening to a modern version of an old hymn: “It is well with my soul”.
“What ever my lot you have taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul”
The song talks about how all sorts of bad can and does come. But we can learn to be at peace through it. Learn to focus on good. On THE Good. Choose love, life, joy, contentment, peace. And it is a choice. That you can choose regardless of circumstance.
Work toward making the world better, and loving God and the people around me instead of whining about things but not acting to make them better.
——
I could focus on getting though the bad, or I could focus on working toward more good.
I am choosing to work toward the latter. It doesn’t mean I’ll always do it well, but I’m going to try.
It’s been a rough week, part of a rough semester, and I’ve had my share of griping. But I don’t want that to become a part of me. I want the habitual me to be peaceful and loving and kind. Not self-absorbed and stressed and complaining. (stress and complaints seem to stem from as well as lead to self-absorption).
Not that everything is going well, but that there are good things. Not that it’s easy, but that I work through it. Not that I won’t break down, but that I have wonderful people around me to help me get moving again.
“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
- Winston Churchill
Peace (Shalom), Love (Agape), and Good (instead of bad)
-Beth
Post Script: what this post really advocates is balance, because I currently live on the pessimist side. I do think you need to fight wrongs and injustices, but you also have to positively work to create environments where things are better.
And while it should not be about me, it does start with me. My life should reflect this, in order for me to affect anyone else.
“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.”
-William Arthur Ward
I am all about the liturgy. Like, BCP, hit me up.
And believe it or not, there was a legitimate time in which the BCP and Crayola paints were related to each other. It’s kind of a “this one time at the church I lived at” story.
(I am a cradle Episcopalian, which means I was raised in the Episcopal/Anglican church, and the BCP, or Book of Common Prayer, is the book/manual from which we get our services. If you are familiar with the BCP, you may note that Eucharistic Prayer C is my favorite – “the vast expanse of interstellar space, galaxies, suns, the planets in their courses, and this fragile earth, our island home” and that many of my best nights end with Compline)
Because I grew up learning to understand God through tradition and liturgy, the idea of rituals makes a lot of sense to me.
The way I think of both liturgy and ritual is much like the pedagogical idea of intellectual scaffolding. Basically, you get a basic structure, and then you gan enflesh it with ideas and fill in the spaces. Liturgy in church gives me a structure within which to relate to God (but to be clear, I find a difference between liturgy with life, and dry liturgy – there should be a reason for the traditions to be there). Rituals in my life give me a predictable structure from which to understand things and work from.
We’ve been talking about rituals a lot lately in grad school, particularly as related to writing rituals as described by Becker in his book Writing for Social Scientists
Like, I like to sleep until I’ve turned off the 4th alarm in the morning.
Like, if I like a boy I won’t tell him because I think a guy should make the first move. Every time I think about it, and every time I follow the trend I’ve set myself and just tell my best friend about it instead (oh the things she knows). Maybe it’s sort of old fashioned, but then again, so is being a stay at home mom, and I want that someday too. Ehh. To each their own.
Like, I wear my cross ring on my ring finger on my right hand because my right hand is my dominant hand, and I want Christ to be at the center of my decisions and attentions. I don’t wear it on my left hand because I don’t like the idea of symbolically “replacing” my commitment to God with my commitment to a boy when I get married.
Like, I always dress up when I teach, particularly college students, because I know I need to establish my “teachership” in the classroom because I’m so close to their age. I’m not super disciplinarian, but I also want my students to take me seriously. When I’ve established ethos and credibility with them, I think it’s easier for me to make the material relevant to them, but not lose them.
Like, up until now, I’ve allowed myself “time” for reading and writing, though unallocated in my schedule. I just figured I’d make time when I needed it, like in undergrad. *you should be hearing the sirens and watching the flashing lights of trouble at this point*. Yeah, bad idea.
So, I discovered, I do, in fact, need much more structure than that. Like time to write every week, whether something is due or not. Ditto for reading.
So I’m not quite sure what my effective writing ritual is, but I know I am on my way to discovering it. A lot of it is going to require getting off of facebook, and creating or finding a space in which I can focus.
Another big part is probably organizing all of the clutter that currently occupies my workspaces. And having comfortable places to work it. Some of it is going to require getting other stuff done so I’m not worried about it, and warding off procrastination in any way I find effective.
However, first things first, I need to get the hardest part out of the way: carving out the time on a consistent basis to read and to write.
So that is my project for this week/month/life. Hmm.
Peace (Shalom), Love (Agape), and Rituals (Structures to Enflesh).
-Beth
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again!
(If I had quit after sending both of these shuffleboard pieces over the edge one after the other, I would not have discovered that I am, in fact, fairly good at shuffleboard.)
There are a lot of things I have to thank my mother for. One of them is for her genetics, from which I get arthritis and migraines.
Another is the tools and resources to deal with them.
(Among other things)
When I started having joint pain in my early teens, my mom took me right to the rheumatologist, and I was able to get pain management medication. She also demonstrated to me, every day, that pain doesn’t have to stop your life.
Then my mother started having migraines. (after my grandmother) So she got this great neurologist.
Fast forward a few months, and I’m having all sorts of trouble getting dizzy all the time and think I’m having sinus headaches. The ENT (Ear Nose Throat doctor) says, no way is it sinus. Must be tension headaches. So my primary care tells me to see a neurologist and a cardiologist.
My mom has me make an appointment with her doctor who specializes in headaches. I make the appointment, and the wait which is normally a few months, is just a few weeks.
Then, AFTER I’ve made the appointment, I get a bad migraine. My first.
Then, I start getting them a lot. And they got worse. And more frequent.
But, because my mother is very wise, and learned that migraines can feel like tension headaches, I already had an appointment. Lucky, because it usually takes months to get into see these people.
Thanks Mom.
My mother is also the person who has talked me out of giving up on things because of migraines. One weekend, I had a really particularly terrible migraine, made worse by the fact that I had a major assignment due for one of my grad classes. I was terrified that the migraine would cause me to turn in my assignment late, and thus flunk out of grad school (my logical thought is not always at its height with a migraine). Well, the stress of that also made the migraine worse, which made me stress out more. Don’t you just love those vicious cycles?
But my mother talked me out of it. And calmed me down.
But back to the little engine that could mentality of have faith and keep trying.
My current migraine regimen doesn’t always work. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out the best combination of drugs for each individual. (Same with many drugs for more complicated illnesses). But, we have to keep trying.
Same with school. I’m learning a lot about what habits of mine work well, and which don’t. Procrastination worked through undergrad. It’s not working well. And it’s a difficult transition. Doing things beforehand doesn’t come easily or naturally to me. But I have to keep trying, and I know it’s for the best.
Particularly if I get another migraine before another major assignment.
So don’t give up. Don’t despair. Whatever it is. Even if you mess up, or fall behind, or get overwhelmed.
Take it one step at a time. As my mom says, “maybe it’s a baby step, maybe it’s a leap. Just do what you can.”
Peace (Shalom), Love (Agape), and Little Engines (That Could).
-Beth
The human mind is an interesting thing.
Fascinating really.
Its ability to develop, process information, and overcome obstacles is amazing. Our minds allow us to learn and grow and connect and create.
Learning how the mind works has always been interesting to me, and probably always will be.
But sometimes it’s heartbreaking.
When it’s not right. Not okay. When it hasn’t ever been okay and you don’t know if it ever will.
You hope. You research. You see professionals. You pray. “Oh God, please”, you pray.
But it’s not okay.
From something fairly simple and treatable like migraines, to something complex like mental illness, or untreatable like mental handicaps.
What’s that phrase? “With great power, comes great responsibility.”
Also with great power….comes great power, for better or for worse.
While the mind can do great things, it’s also capable of terrible things.
And sometimes, it breaks my heart.
I wish that I could make it better. All I can do though is hope and pray.
And I know, that because God loves each of us more than we can love each other, that His heart is breaking too.
While I hate the heartbreak, I think it may be what God calls us to. To be His body in the world, the Body of Christ, to see each person through His eyes, I think there will always be heartbreak. Heartbreak for the hurting that is all around.
And I know as much as I want to take that hurt and make it better, to fix the mind, to clean the slate, to wrap them up in my arms, God must want even more.
Right now, I hate the heartbreak. It hurts me, because I see it hurting the people around me.
I don’t understand it.
But maybe it’s redeemable. Maybe there will be chances for me to fill some of the hurt and heartbreak in the world with Love. I know it won’t be all, but maybe it will be some.
I choose to trust in the metaphor of the pottery. It’s only in being broken that we can be rebuilt into something better.
My prayer is that I am able to let God rebuild me, and that I will be a vessel of His Love to other broken, hurting people.
And I pray His hope and peace for when it hurts.
Peace (shalom), Love (agape), and A Broken and Contrite Heart (Oh God, You will not despise -Ps. 51).
-Beth
Well my Birthday’s coming up in a few weeks, which is usually the point in the year where a person thinks about what they want.
I think I’m to that point where I want less things, and more experiences. (or sleep)
Because of that, my biggest birthday gift (and maybe part of my Christmas gift) will be my trip to NCA (the National Communication Association) convention in San Francisco. Where I have a paper being presented.
SO EXCITED!
Other than that, things I hope to get or save up for in the near future:
1. New lenses for the camera. Always.
2. Some new flats for work.
3. Books
4. Everything is Spiritual – the DVD by Rob Bell
5. A Photoshop book or class
6. A second wall shelf system for my bedroom
7. An obedience class for Bentley
8. A new pair of glasses. Mine are still somewhere in Portland. Oops.
Looking over the list, I realize, I’m eclectic. But I think I’m okay with that.
Peace (Shalom), Love (Agape), and Wishes (and Birthdays)
WARNING: mostly sappy, sweet, sad songs.
Some of the songs that remind me to keep on keeping on:
Shine by Rosi Golan
“This life is light, It’s light burns bright
So we’ll take it day by day and let it be”
Can’t Go Back Now by The Weepies
“You know there will be days
when you’re so tired that you can’t take another step,
The night will have no stars
and you’ll think you’ve gone as far as you will ever get.
But you and me walk on
Cause you can’t go back now
And yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
Be what you want to be,
If you ever turn around, you’ll see me.”
Haven’t Met You Yet by Michael Buble
“I Might Have To Wait, I’ll Never Give Up
I Guess It’s Half Time, And The Other Half’s Luck
Wherever You Are, Whenever It’s Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life
And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility
And Somehow I Know That Will All Turn Out”
Brand New Day by Joshua Radin
This cycle never ends, You gotta fall in order to mend
And it’s a brand new day, It’s a brand new day
For the first time in such a long long time
I know, I’ll be ok”
Dream by Prischilla Ahn
“I had a dream, That I could fly from the highest swing. I had a dream.
Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I’m supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie.
I said a prayer and fell asleep.”
Love Wins by the Robbie Seay Band
“Can’t stop, you can’t stop the seasons
Don’t stop, don’t stop believing
Keep on dreaming of the day when it all will change
Believe in the end, love wins
If you’re waiting for the time when your sun will shine
Oh, look above cause love wins
If it hurts you, just breathe in
When it pains you, just believe in
The radiant light of the morning sun
We can find our redemption
Love is strong, love is strong, love is strong
It’s been there holding you all along
Everything thrown away will be new again
And love will be the last thing standing”
And this song:
I love the original Men Without Hats version, but I also love Glee.
Peace (Shalom), Love (Agape), and Lyrics (Audial Hope),
-Beth
When I was in Residence Life at ACU, Jae Webb, my boss, decided that we, as a Residence Life Staff, needed a cool reward. However, there was not room in the budget to buy a cool reward, so, we had to resort to making one up. Well, the obvious choice is the theoretical gold star (the one you’re told you get, but you never really get, because you’re not five years old). However, Jae Webb found this too simple. So what’s better than gold? Platinum of course. And what’s better that a star? Obviously a supernova.
So when we did something obviously cool, instead of gold stars,
we got platinum supernovas.
(theoretical, of course)
Something cool like this:
I know you’re jealous. (It was a class project, not res life related.)
Anyways, flash forward to present day. Well, present night to be specific. I’m sitting in class (Intro to Grad Studies) at UNT, and we’re going over some material that should have been simple and obvious to us, but most of us were completely lost and had no idea what was really going on. Something about math equations to understand communication or something. Right. Ha.
Well, all of a sudden I make a connection. Except I didn’t really know that I’d made the connection that I’d made. I knew the name of the author of one of our articles, and I remembered this theory that I just realized made sense of the article. What I didn’t know was that the same guy who wrote the article, developed the theory. So, understandably it made sense. I made a connection that I wasn’t even aware that I was making. And it didn’t seem to send shining rays of understanding or enlightenment to anyone else in the class, but it clicked for me. But, in class, I was given one of those theoretical gold stars that you don’t ever actually get because everyone thinks adults shouldn’t get stickers (as in, good observation!). And it made me think. Mostly about how I’d love stickers in grad school, but also a little bit about reassurance.
Like, the reassurance that maybe, even though I end up processing the information differently than a lot of people, it’ll still be okay. Maybe, even though I’m overwhelmed, it’ll work out. Maybe, even though I have a long way to go to master time management, I’ll make it happen. Maybe grad school isn’t a total loss that I’m not cut out for, like I thought yesterday after my first grad school paper disappeared into the depths of the school computer system and had to be retrieved by some tech guys who had to run codes on the computer for an hour to dig my paper back out of it so I could turn it in late to class. Maybe, it just takes a theoretical gold star to remind you that you can do this, one step, one assignment, one thing at a time.
Peace (Shalom), Love (Agape), and Theoretical Gold Stars (Lights at the beginning of the tunnel),
-Beth
Tags: Gold Stars, Graduate School, Platinum Supernovas, stickers
What a start to grad school.
This is a painting called "my current philosophy of grad school". You may hear it explained at a later point.
It’s been crazy. I went into orientation thinking that the majority of what I would be doing as a TA would be grading papers and such. There was an email sent out to all of the teaching assistants that said if we were teaching a class, we would receive our materials in the mail. Well, I didn’t get any materials, so I figured my class assignments would be assisting a professor in their sections.
NOPE.
No, instead there must have been some mix up in the mail or something, because I’m teaching three classes of thirty students each. As in, I’m their only instructor for the course. Now, this is exciting, because I love to teach, and this is what I think I want to do for a career. BUT, it’s also intimidating, teaching students that are my age (they don’t know that), and teaching approximately a week and a half after I found out that I even was teaching.
Crazy. I know.
So these past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of activity (mostly reading. a lot.). Trying to learn to balance being a student and being a teacher is an interesting challenge, as is each of those identities on their own. As a student, I know grad school is very different from undergrad, and the work load and reading load are going to take time management skills on my part. As well, as a teacher, I’m so new at this, and have so much to learn, and so many ways I know that I can improve. One day at a time though, right?
As crazy as my life has been, I love it.
Even though I get nervous, and sometimes panicky about class and the lesson and the technology (blackboard fail) and if I’m teaching to the various learning styles and if I’m displaying “with-it-ness” in the classroom and if the student all want to become COMM majors now…I really do enjoy being in the classroom teaching material that I believe is invaluable and necessary.
And as much as I may gripe about the work and reading load, I love being a student. I love learning. I love opportunities to research (speaking of…), and I’m very interested in most of the material that I’m studying. Unlike undergrad, I feel like these classes actually have to do with what I want to do.
Speaking of research, I’ve had an idea. Like many, it may not pan out (what can you do? you win some you lose some), but, I’m currently excited about the prospects that it holds.
I have a hard time with narrowing my focus, particularly because I have a lot of interdisciplinary interests. For example, my rooting lies in rhetoric, but I love to tie in philosophy, psychology, linguistics, cultural studies, pedagogy, narrative theory, and even moral or religious studies. Yeah, try to fit that into a single research area. Ha.
But I think I may have.
The Use of Fable as a Persuasive Medium. (Or Cultural Fables as Persuasive Moral Education) [or something similar ish]
(Did you know “ish” is in the dictionary? Because it so is.)
Different cultures (cultural studies) teach (pedagogy) different persuasive (rhetoric) moral (morality/religion) messages through the use of fables (narrative theory). With maybe a little word origin (linguistics), ethics (philosophy), and mental processing and development of morals (psychology), thrown in.
Okay. I know it’s stretching it. But, I think it would be interesting to research, and I think studying the persuasive nature of fables give me an opportunity to pull in other things that I’m interested in from time to time.
So I’ll let you know how that goes.
Peace (Shalom), Love (Agape), and Learning (All the time),
-Beth
